To Spread or Not to Spread?

To spread or not to spread?  That is the question.  In my case “not”.   Butter that is…… in case you’re wondering.  I can’t bear the stuff or spread of any type.  I suffer from Butter Phobia!   It started many years ago at the age of two.  Both my sister and I revolted against Mum’s insistence of spreading butter on soldiers and neither of us have eaten it since. Apart from some unfortunate incidents which I don’t like to recall as it’s the stuff of nightmares (for me anyway).

I can’t bear the taste, the texture or the smell.  My children tease me by putting their fingers into the tub and gobbling it down whilst I’m reaching for the sick bowl. I heave every time I make a sandwich for them and have to get the spread out from where it lurks in the fridge.  I stand at least a foot away from the counter, my arms outstretched before me, trying not to breathe in!  If I so much as get a bit on my bare fingers then I go into lock down mode. Hospital scrub room comes to mind!  If we go to a restaurant as a family, inevitably they will choose dough balls served with a pot of garlic butter.  I then have to deal with their greasy little fingers as well as trying not to puke as they guzzle down golden globules of it.

When a recipe says butter – I tend to substitute olive oil.  You can do a lot with oil!  Unless of course it’s a cake and then I bravely soldier on!

I have such a phobia that if I make myself an egg mayonnaise sandwich I will double check that the bread has no butter on it!  It’s just that mayo looks so much like the yellow stuff and I like to be on the safe side even if I’m the one whose made the damn sandwich in the first place.

Last time I ate butter was on a drunken night out 30 years ago.  Someone made some cheese on toast and used butter on the bread.  I was too drunk to notice and at that time of the evening I would have eaten anything.

I can just about manage garlic bread but I like it quite well done – that is burnt to a crisp!  If it’s a baguette I will only eat the end bit.  Had a shock the other day, bought some garlic bread from Marks  & Sparks;  wished I’d gone to Tesco for their economy range……………

To Spread or Not to Spread? That is the question.


7 thoughts on “To Spread or Not to Spread?

  1. Lovely lovely butter, spread what a horrible mummy I was making you eat it up to the age of 2. Mind you I don’t like eggs. Yuk horrible yellow eye looking at you all smug and runny, slimy white stuff sliding all over the plate or sticking like glue to the shell looking like rubber. I’ll have your share of butter and you can have my eggs.


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